Sunday, June 7, 2009

Caution: God's timing is not to be questioned.

This is sort of a continuation to my last post. I've been realizing today (well...over time, but especially today) how the tiniest details are orchestrated for a bigger plan long before I ever even know it's coming.

Scenario 1: I began considering living in HPUville this summer in January. I knew that staying in here meant that I could have an ocassional voice lesson to help prepare for my senior recital and probably find a job easier than in my hometown. Then I thought, "Hey...I've never...ever...lived by myself." That's definitely an experience that I need. At some point in my life I'm going to have to learn how to be semi-independent. Better now than later, right? So this definitely seemed like the perfect plan. Because members of my family were...ummm...less than enthusiastic about this plan, I seriously considered just staying at home and giving up on my summer in HPUville. However, somehow I just knew that I was making the best decision for me. It was difficult and it didn't come without tears but I just knew I was heading down the right path.

Scenario 2: I'm a Vocal Performance major. Vocal = singing and Performance =performing. Add these two together and you get a scenario such as opera or musical theater where one sings and performs simultaneously. Those of you who know me well know that I am not currently, nor have I ever been, an actress. I've improved, but only because I have excellent teachers! When it came time for the HPU homecoming musical auditions last month I was so stoked, but frazzled beyond my wit's end. I picked my audition piece, worked really hard on preparing it, and went into the audition with a stomach in knots. When the cast list was posted, my first reaction was disappointment. My second was pure excitement for a couple of my friends. Of course, the green monster of jealousy creeped up for a bit, but I got rid of him pretty quick. The green monster and I are not friends, you see. Anyways, I was leaving for home right after congratulating one of my friends and I had a long drive to think about things. Something inside me just didn't feel right. I can't completely explain it but I'm going to try. When I sang in the operas this past semester I had the time of my life and it was a wonderful experience. It's something that I would enjoy doing again someday but when I look realistically at my future I know that performing isn't going to be my focus. Ministry is. Being in the opera gave me the courage to reach out of my shell and know that I can actually enjoy performing. But, when I'm on stage with the chapel band my heart opens up in a way that chokes me up and makes laugh at the same time. It's joy and passion that I just can't shake, nor do I want to shake it. I can't live my life between performances and auditions. As a side project, bring it a career? I just can't see it. I cried and it broke my heart, but I decided to not participate in the musical in the fall. This was not a reaction in bitterness or frustration or jealousy. This was simply my assurance that God had something else planned for me in the fall that he wanted me to focus my attention on. I had not a clue what it was but...

Then, out of no where I'm in a position that all but forces me to graduate in December. Suddenly, all of this makes sense. Had I not chosen to live in HPUville for the summer, I would be coming back in August completely unprepared for an hour-long recital in November. Impossible. And my unsettling feeling that God had something else planned in place of the musical? I believe that was God setting everything into place so that when I found out that I would be graduating in December I would be able to focus completely on my recital.

Over the past couple of weeks I have really questioned God's timing. Why December? I don't know what He has planned for me after graduation and that truly scares me. But, knowing that He's already been preparing my way gives me so much comfort. I could never ask for a more caring, gracious, sustaining God. He is never going to leave me. So, even though I'm hurting some feelings (mine included, believe me) I am going forward onto a path that has been paved by God and that isn't going to lead me away from Him. I'm not perfect, so this is not going to be easy for me but because I am finally in the place where I can see God's perfect planning I have so much peace. Praise God for his Love, Timing, and Perfect Provision.

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